Things I cannot do at hogwarts
1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology.”
3. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
4. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore.”
5. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful.”
6. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
7. I am not allowed to cackle whenever practicing magic. Real wizards don't get it.
8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
9. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
10. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms.”
11. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
12. My Headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, Not Gandalf.
13. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
14. Calling Lucius Malfoy "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross.
15. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
16. Asking, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
17. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
18. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
19. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
20. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
21. A drawn on thunder cloud scar over my left eyebrow does not mean I am Harry Potter's evil twin.
22. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0” is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
23. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
24. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
25. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
26. I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school anthem.
27. Recording a remix of "It's a Hard Knock Life" using the house-elves as vocal backing is not funny.
28. I will not follow Potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens.
29. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End."
30. It is not necessary to yell “BURN!” every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
31. I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room.
32. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
33. I will refrain from calling the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin.”
34. I will also refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam.”
35. It probably isn’t smart to call Draco “Legolas” either.
36. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.
37. Telling Draco Malfoy to “make like a ferret and bounce” is not a good idea.
38. Yelling "Oh my God! It's the clan!" when death eaters are coming to get you is NOT a lifesaving line.
39. I will not change the Gryffindor password to "Draco Malfoy is a sexy beast."
40. Telling Umbridge that cardigans are so 2005 will get you in trouble.
41. "Accidentally" dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood’s hair in Snape's drink is a very unhealthy hobby.
42. Eating doxies will not make you high.
43. I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month."
44. I am not allowed to point out that turning on a flashlight is quieter than saying "lumos.”
45. Misspelling the word “serious” as “Sirius” on your potions assignments is not a
way to make friends with your potions teacher.
46. I will not ask Professor McGonagall if she is related to Mrs. Norris.
47. I must not charm little heart-shaped bubbles to pop up anytime Hermione and Ron look at each other.
48. I will not point out to Trelawney that astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.
49. I will not borrow Trelawney´s tarot cards for a game of poker.
50. I am not allowed to hiss at Harry instead of talking.
51. I will not switch the labels on the ingredient boxes in Snape´s storeroom.
52. I will not rearrange the letters in my name to something evil sounding.
On this note, I am also not to get a group of followers and call them something evil.
Along with the above, I am not to get everyone similar tattoos.
53. I will not ask Professor Sprout were she hides the good stuff.
57. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
55. I will not bring a semi automatic weapon to Hogwart's for protection.
56. I will not confess my undying love for Professor Snape in the middle of breakfast in the Great Hall. Professor Snape is probably not a morning person. I will wait until dinner or at least lunch.
57. I will not drink Polyjuice Potion with Draco's hair in it and ask Luna Lovegood to marry me.
58. I will not write to Voldemort with requests to be second in command.
59. I will not drink Polyjuice Potion with Harry's hair in it, put foundation on the scar, wear brown contact lenses, and tell Harry that I am his father.
60. I will not set up a blind date for Harry and Voldemort.
61. I will not tell everyone that Draco Malfoy touches little boys.
62. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the answer is protected by a Fidelius charm and I am not the secret keeper.
63. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden because it contains werewolves and massive spiders, not because there is a secret cave with the answer to every test, and I should refrain from telling the first years that there is.
64. I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout, "To the Batmobile, Robin!"
65. I will not ask Harry if his Voldy senses are tingling.
66. I will not ask Professor Snape questions about Batman´s cape. Nor will I suggest that he be Robin.
67. I will not ask Professor Flitwick how Santa Claus is doing.
68. I will not sit in Dumbledore's lap and tell him what I want for Christmas this year.
69. I will not when looking for Professor McGonagall say, "Hear kitty, kitty."
70. I am not allowed to tell Voldemort that he should consider eye liner to bring out the color in his eyes.
71. I will not order seven Hogwarts house elves to go to a costume party with me to perfect my Snow White costume.
72. I will not make the Hogwarts house elves sneak the answers for the exams from the teachers.
73. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that my teacup says she's lying.
74. I will not sing "We're off to see the Wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.
75. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his "Happy place.”
76. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.
77. I will not refer to the accio charm as "The Force.”
78. I will not put muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
79. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.
80. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
81. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.
82. I am not allowed to taunt Professor McGonagall with Catnip.
83. I will not give Voldemort a toupee.
84. Yelling "To infinity, and BEYOND!" is only funny the first time you ride a broom.
85. I will not bring "Becoming a Dark Lord for Dummies" to read at the breakfast table.
86. It is not necessary for me to yell "BAM!" every time I apparate.
87. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. "Swish and flick" is only a wand movement.
89. I will not get the sorting hat drunk, no matter how funny his song was the first time.
90. First years are not “the Little People.”
91. Hobbits are not magical beings in the wizarding world.
92. I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.
93. Just because I can subject someone to horrific magical torture does not mean I should.
94. “42” is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.
95. Crashing a Ford Anglia into the Whomping Willow is not the best entrance to make. Crashing it into Snape's office is.
96. I will not ask Hagrid exactly how he was conceived.
97. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.
98. I will not tell Harry that he is fictional and that everything he has worked for is nothing more than a best selling novel.
99. I am not allowed to sing the Mission: Impossible theme every time Professor Snape stalks down the hallways.
100. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I got the power!”
--ADDITIONS TO 100 THINGS--
101. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
102. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.
103. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".
104. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.
105. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.
106. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.
107. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
108. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
109. Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
110. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
111. I will not say "Dude, get a life," to Voldemort. (Thanks Brittney!)
112. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.
113. Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.
114. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'
115. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.
116. Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'
117. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.
118. Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.
119. Or 'I'm too sexy'.
120. I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
121. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane'.
122. Singing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!" is not appropriate, even after Bellatrix has been Avada Kedavra'd.
123. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.
124. I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
125. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
126. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
127. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.
128. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
129. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm. (Thanks Anita!)
130. I will not ask the Weasley twins if "ginger" biscuits will turn me into a member of their family. (Thanks Cassie!)