Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Why did this happen? Why now, so completely out of the blue? What happened to our plans? Everything happy in my life reminded me of you, and right now I need you to not be in my head. I guess that means I can't be happy. Not right now. Every time you told you loved me, I knew it was true. Every time we talked about the future, about how no matter what could be there the one thing we knew was that we would be together for it, I knew it would happen. You were my future. I had you and i had happiness. I was alive. And now you say you can't. You can't do this. I need to focus on my mission. I can't focus on anything but this aching, throbbing hole in my chest. How can my heart still be beating? Every pulse hurts worse because my heart is still yours. Each beat is your name, a name i can't hear right now because every beat makes that hole bigger, makes it hurt worse. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough at being your boyfriend. I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel good enough about being in a relationship with me even though we were so far apart. I love you, I love you more than anything. My love is so strong that the distance didn't exist to me. I guess you didn't love me enough to feel the same. I'm sorry it was so hard for you. I gave you every chance to back out, to see if you could do this before I gave you my soul. I saw this coming when we started, and I let you take away all my concern. You told me you could do this, and I believed you. Every time we talked about where we were going to be, were you just going along with it because it was fun? What did I do wrong? Was my entire life not enough for you? Why would you show how to truly be alive and then just rip that away from me? I need you. This hole is the place where i kept you. At first it was just in my heart and then you started filling more and more space until you filled all of me. And now you're gone, and I've got this hole. Could my body live without a brain? Then how could my soul live without you?