Friday, September 15, 2006

The Clownpire comes at midnight

No one likes clowns. They're just too creepy. And Vampires are generally avoided as well, mostly cause we all like our blood. But one night, something strange happened. A clown was out, wandering in the the park alone. A starving vampire saw him, and while this vampire didn't like clowns too much, and even thought he knew the clown blood would probably taste funny, he was desperate. He swooed down, overpowered the clown, and sucked his blood, initiating another member of the undead into the world. However, it's a little known fact that clowns are actually a subspecies of human, and something strange happened to both the clown and the vampire. The Clown became a vampire, but still remained part clown, creating a new kind of undead horror. The Clownpire was born!
Unlike ordinary vampires, clownpires sleep in toy cars during the day. instead of turning into bats, they turn into baboons. No one really knows why. Anyways, this is the story of my encounter with a clownpire known as Count Bozoncula.
One night I was bored and couldn't sleep, so I decided to go hang out at the abandoned Amusement park that was on the outskirts of town. It had been abandoned, suddenly, and for no reason. I went there sometimes, jst to check it out, I still hadn't seen all of the park.
I pulled into the abandoned parking lot, and got off of my moped. I climbed over the abandoned fence, and my nightmare began. I decided to go hang out in the old abandoned house of mirrrors, mostly because it was pretty cool. The door was locked, but I had found an abandoned master-key in the abandoned maintenence office. The door swung open with a foreboding, abandoned creak (ok, I'll quit saying abandoned). I stepped in, and started playing around at the funny-mirrors that distort your reflection. in one, I was all stretched out. In anotherm iwas all scrunched down, like i had been stepped on. in the third, I looked normal, but there was a baboon in the reflection behind me. it was a very creepy looking baboon, with clown paint on its face, and instead of paws, it had big floppy red shoes on.I turned around, but there was nothing there. That was my first encounter with Count Bononcula that night. I continued to wander the house of mirrors, and the baboon was in all the reflections. I started to feel a little creeped out, so I left. I went to the abandoned game booths. I set up some bottles, and started trying to knock them over with balls. I missed, and knocked a hole in the wall. Behind it was the creepy baboon! It screeched, and dissappeared.I was really feeling creeped, so I decided to leave the park. I started making my was to the park exit. I had only walked a few paces when the baboon dropped out of no where started turning into a really freakish clown, right before my eyes!
"Hello little boy!" the clown said. "I'm Count Bonzocula! I want to make you laugh! Actualy, I want to suck your blood! Would like a balloon giraffe to play with while i turn you into one of my undead, happy minions?" All i could do was scream, and run in the opposite direction. so that's what I did. "Little boy, why are you running? I'm just funny clown. Let me have your blood!"
I was panicking. I had heard of Clownpires, but i had thought they were jsut a joke. The only thing that can kill a Clownpire is a math assignment, rolled into a cone, jammed into his heart. I had no math that night, so i was in trouble. one thing that clownpires can't endure, is oatmeal. it's too boring and serious. But i had none of that,either. My only hope was to find a checkbook. Clownpires hate finances. I was DOOMED! Count Bonzoncula was catching up to me. I started shouting the multiplication table. it worked! Bonzoncula covered his ears, hissed, and ran away. I was running for my life to my car. luckily, I managed to get away. Now I know why the park had been abandoned. I drove home as afast as I could, and did some research on clown pires the next day. Turns out that crosses can ward off clownpires, because they look like addition symbols. I took a sharpie and drew tigonometry problems on all our windows and doors, so that Bonzoncula couldn't get in. I was safe, for now....

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