Questions

Why did this happen? Why now, so completely out of the blue? What happened to our plans? Everything happy in my life reminded me of you, and right now I need you to not be in my head. I guess that means I can't be happy. Not right now. Every time you told you loved me, I knew it was true. Every time we talked about the future, about how no matter what could be there the one thing we knew was that we would be together for it, I knew it would happen. You were my future. I had you and i had happiness. I was alive. And now you say you can't. You can't do this. I need to focus on my mission. I can't focus on anything but this aching, throbbing hole in my chest. How can my heart still be beating? Every pulse hurts worse because my heart is still yours. Each beat is your name, a name i can't hear right now because every beat makes that hole bigger, makes it hurt worse. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough at being your boyfriend. I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel good enough about being in a relationship with me even though we were so far apart. I love you, I love you more than anything. My love is so strong that the distance didn't exist to me. I guess you didn't love me enough to feel the same. I'm sorry it was so hard for you. I gave you every chance to back out, to see if you could do this before I gave you my soul. I saw this coming when we started, and I let you take away all my concern. You told me you could do this, and I believed you. Every time we talked about where we were going to be, were you just going along with it because it was fun? What did I do wrong? Was my entire life not enough for you? Why would you show how to truly be alive and then just rip that away from me? I need you. This hole is the place where i kept you. At first it was just in my heart and then you started filling more and more space until you filled all of me. And now you're gone, and I've got this hole. Could my body live without a brain? Then how could my soul live without you?

Subtext

3 words
never said enough
I love you
Every part of me
is those 3 words
I love you
Every blink of my eyes
somehow says
I love you
Every breath I breathe
screams
I love you
Each step I take
each sound I make
is those three words
I love you
My heart beats, it pumps
not blood, but 3 words
I love you
For every fallen autumn leaf
I tell you
I love you
For every winter snowflake
snowed, know that
I love you
For every spring flower
every summer shower
I love you
For always, Forever
I love you
I love you
I love you

Treasure Hunt

I call your name
I seek you out
hunt desperately for you
and find
mile after mile after
mile
between us
billions of potential footprints
potential
connecting
my heart
to yours.
I search other places,
the sunset
that we both see
and feel your heart beat
with mine.
I search a brilliant night sky
and see in it
the reflection
of your eyes.
I search in
the most beautiful melodies
and find your voice, your laugh
calling my name.
I search the wind, the breeze
invisibly
and find you, your
scent, your perfume, pure
clean, and perfect.
I search the petals of a flower
the velvet touch, so delicate,
and feel your lips, brushing mine
across a billion steps
and in every beautiful
place and thing
I find only you,
and with you I leave
an infinite embrace
a kiss from my soul
and a piece
of my
heart.

Just freeze, take a breathe
take a plunge, take a lap
because everything's moving too fast where your're at
play catch up before it's too much to control
and fight with your life to stay whole.

Dance like you're on fire
just dance to be free
dance like no ones watching
like no one can see
you can't shake the feeling
that you're not alone
you feel your footprints follow you home

Dance like you're on fire
just dance to be free
dance like no ones watching
like no one can see
you can't shake the feeling
that you're not alone
you feel your footprints follow you home

Bedbugs

Night, enter, creep and cascade
descend down steps of dusk
and embrace your kingdom.
Live, night.
Inhale the illuminations,
the blaze of light
distinguishing day.
Breathe out blacks and blues
release your stars,
and grant the glow
of Mother Moon to
the aural outlines
and shadows, silhouettes
demons and rulers,
gods of the night,
those that would be but
mundane by day, by reality.
Enter, dreams, fantasy and
myth. Real reality retreats, and
that which is and can only be real
by starlight rules.
Dare, dream, imagine and see
possibilities destroyed by day,
sucked dry by sun, now explode
into imagined truth, truth only imagined,
but still true. For
now is night, now is life
that cannot be in awakening hours,
but is now. Nocturnal nocturne,
vital lullaby, sing to life
lies now true and dreams now real.
We are now, we are in night,
and in night,
Day, is but the dream.

Heaven

If all the stars in the night sky were suddenly gone
I'd still always see them twinkling in your eyes.
If every note of every song, if all music up and evaporated into thin air
I'd still hear the most beautiful melody in the world every time I heard you laugh.
If the sun went out and the moon left, and every light on earth burnt out
All I'd ever need is your smile to light my world.
If every blanket, coat, jacket, or sweater disappeared
It wouldn't matter because your embrace, your hand in mine would be warm enough on the coldest night I could ever see.
They say that Heaven is everything beautiful and good in this world.
But if every beautiful, good thing in this world were gone, as long as I still had you I'd be in Heaven.
A flower lasts a day.
A jewel can last forever.
But you, you last for right now, and right now
I will always be in Heaven.

Wish upon a star

I want to be free
free to be me
is to be free.
to be free I need
to feel free to
be me, to break out
and be me, be free,
just to be.
I want to be free
to be free I must see
what can be, and
that I can be free
and that I am me.
I want to be free,
to feel me as I
be, and feel free
to become what might be
and what might be
might still be me,
but me, just me
being free.

Personal ad for a toaster

Handsome, deep toaster with aluminum plating and 3rd and 4th slots
Seeks companion. Same appliance-type preferred, but am very open to anything
But not blenders.
Likes: Bagels, cinnamon bread, and getting it just perfectly golden brown. Enjoys camping and just spending time relaxing unplugged.
Dislikes: any bread with onions in it, cords that are too long, and undercooking things.
I PROMISE NOT TO BURN YOU.

Falling

I took this trip without a map
Seeing you just in the distance
Blindly hoping that I’d find a path
To you
And you’re finally at the end
But you are just below my reach
So I fall, but how I’ll land
I’ve got no clue
I’m only hoping
I’ll land on my feet
With you

I’m falling
Are you waiting
I’m falling,
falling fast
I’m just falling
Will you catch me?
I’ve been falling since
I fell in love with you


The road of life has brought me
To this crossroads with a cliff
Should I run away
Or should I take the plunge?
And an air of indecision
Crams into the air around me
I breathe in deep
It permeates my lungs
With that one breathe
I close my eyes and jump

And now I’m falling
What’s at the bottom?
I’m falling
I’m falling hard and blind
I’m falling,
Will you try to catch me?
I’m only falling now
Because I fell for you

With wind screaming past my ears
I hear your name
And my pounding heart beats faster
All the same
But pulse it makes
Now isn’t meant for me
Since I met you
Yours is all my heart
Could ever hope to be

I’m falling
Will you catch me
I’m falling
I’m falling
To you

I wrote one like this a while ago. The subject's changed though.

You, you are my dream at
pause of mind
my heart is yours
my every exhale screams your name
invisibly
and I?
I am filled with golden hope
that I then steal and imprison
within a vault of "what if"s and precautions
I hide behind this wall of nothing
too safe, too cowardly to tell you,
you, who own me unknowingly,
the subject of my every wish,
for your hand for my hand,
your lips for my lips,
your eyes to fall into...
Radiant Angel,
I bare you my soul,
it is yours.
Do with it
as
you
will...

Dark

I’m afraid of the dark. Go ahead, laugh. I don’t care. I know what the dark really means, what’s there. You couldn’t know, ever, how much you should really be afraid of the dark. I’ve got your attention, what could I be talking about? Listen, and I’ll try to tell you.
We sleep in the dark. Apparently adults can’t find the stillness we need in order to fall asleep without veiling the normal distractions visibility brings in darkness. Sleep, possibly humanity’s greatest physical weakness. We need it to live, yet it leaves us completely vulnerable, unaware of what goes on around us, anyone or anything could come up and do anything and we wouldn’t know. Of course, you say, we’d wake up, but by then it’s too late. What is this thing that could possibly be so terrifying in the dark, you wonder. Vampires? Werewolves? Ghosts or Bogeymen? None of these, my unfortunate friend. That thing that so deeply inspires my own fear of the dark is me. What could I possibly be, you wonder. Not anything so cliché as a vampire, or the bogeyman. Of course you haven’t heard of me, I can only exist in the dark, the unseen, so no one really know who I am. I’m that doubt, that fear, and that question in everyone’s mind, the doubt in oneself, the fear of inadequacy, and the question of one’s worth.
I am thoughts, and I am fear. Indeed, everyone’s greatest fear, that in the end, no matter how hard you try, how much you succeed, you failed at life. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that I, who torment humanity, was created by humanity itself. Indeed, you could say that I am what make people human in the first place. Why then do I fear the dark? I do not fear for myself, but for you, for mankind. I am immortal, for as long men exist, I shall too. But the dark is when I am strongest. Flicking off the lights, then laying down, trying to empty your mind to hold the void of sleep, you are pulling me in, and I slip in to do my job. I whisper reminders, things you did or didn’t do, right or wrong, incorrectly or correctly, it doesn’t matter, because you start to wonder. You start to doubt, and I am there. Even when you do let sleep take you, I am still there, in dreams, or nightmares, and you still wonder, question yourself.
So here is my warning. Keep your distraction out when you go to sleep. Dim them if you must, but accept your inner child, and let that nightlight keep me out. Fear the dark. For I am there, whether in darkness of world, or darkness of mind. Fear the dark, for I will always be there. Fear the dark.

Right

My hand is empty.

So I try to fill it.

I try to fill it
with words,
but they leak out
through pens, and pencils,
and type.

I try to fill it
with pictures
but they escape
through paint and brush,
or charcoal, or another pencil.

I try to fill it
with music,
but it falls out
through valves or keys
or bow or strings.

My hand is empty.

And I try to fill it.

But the only thing that truly can
is yours.

Part 3

“Wait!” Lucifer’s cry pierced the haze of noise permeating the air, and silence returned. “This cannot be right. You would allow your children to be lost? Father, why would you cast us from you, evict us from you and our mother?” The hurt, the confusion, and the doubt that stormed through Lucifer’s mind erupted from is words. “Please, Father, you cannot be serious.” Love and compassion saturated our Father’s reply.
“Lucifer, my son, if you truly consider this plan, you will see that this is the way things must be.” He stood, and left, signaling the end of the meeting. Lucifer flaed to his rooms, and sobbed, trying with all his might to comprehend how this plan, this new life could possibly be correct. But he couldn’t. It couldn’t not fit into what was right and true in his heart, and he finally came to a conclusion. He sent out word, and later, in private, a new meeting was held.
“Brothers and Sisters,” Lucifer’s soft voice rang out over the crowd before him. “Something has happened to our elder Brother, Jehovah. He has deceived our Father, and somehow he has convinced him that what cannot be right must come to pass. He has convinced our Father to cast us from his presence, and allow us to fall away from him forever. I do not know what evil could have pressed Jehovah to do this. But it has happened, and we must end this sway he has created over our Father and Mother who we love with all our existence.” Cries of agreement, and dissent clashed out. Lucifer restored attention. “I have called you, those whom I trust and know must see this as well, to aid me. We who are assembled number enough to take back Jehovah and cure him of whatever harm grips his mind. I ask you, as more than half the host of Heaven, to rise up with me and cure our Family. Those of you, be there any, who feel you cannot do this, please walk away now, that I may see those loyal to our Father, to our Mother, and begin our plans. Say nothing as you leave, and leave in love.” Many left the meeting there, leaving about one third of the family of God, to plan how they might restore their family and Jehovah…

Soon after the meeting, a host of Children approached Jehovah and their Father, who were in the midst of planning for the new Earth. Lucifer was at their head, and Jehovah came up to meet him.
“Lucifer, what is the meaning of this?” No anger, or annoyance showed in his face, merely confusion, and hurt.
“Jehovah, this is not right, and we cannot allow you to force our Father to cast his own children from him forever.” Lucifer too, was not angry or malignant, and tears poured down his resigned face. “If you come with us now, we will help you, and this can all be repaired.” Jehovah shook his head, and tears shone on his face as he sadly shook his head. “Lucifer, it must be this way.”
“Then we must do what we must to stop it.” He raised his hand, and a throng of souls surged forward to take Jehovah.

Part 2

Jehovah's plan was soon done. And so a great meeting was held, in which our Father told us our time had come to go out and grow up, because we had reached a point where we could go no further living with our parents. He asked Jehovah for his plan, and our brother presented it.
"We're going to a new, physical world, where we will experience a new way of living and do things that we cannot even imagine. We know what we would need to do, but part of the growth we will experience in this new world will involve losing our memories that we have now for just a little while. We will have to learn anew what we must do in order to return to our Father. I'll help and teach as much as I can, and I'll even come down to create the way so we can come back. But all of it will be through our Father, and it will All be because of and for him that we succeed. It will ultimately be up to every single individual person where they end up, and there will be people who do not end up back with our Father to become like Him. Because that's what we're aiming for. That's the reason we're leaving our safe family here, so that we can take the next step to having our own worlds and families. And that glory that we obtain, the glory I will get and every one of my brothers and sisters will attain is our Father's. Truly, the greatness of a parent is measured through the greatness of his children. This is what we must do." Jehovah stepped back, and allowed his plan to sink into everyone's minds. Discussion immediately broke out, and the buzz of voices rumbled out in a haze of sound. A clear voice suddenly broke through.
"I have another way." Lucifer Stepped forward, hoping that his father would grace him with permission to present the plan he believed in with his entire being. Our Father saw trouble coming, but nodded, allowing Lucifer to continue. "Jehovah's plan sends us out blindly, expecting us to wander naked and possibly return back to our family again. How can someone toss a handful of salt into the wind, and then expect to be able to find them all again?" Lucifer's words were encountering a soft current of noise that Jehovah had not. "I too know what must happen, that we must be torn from our safe shelter, our home and family so that we may continue to progress. But why should we be forced to risk the chance that our trials in this new life might be for naught in the end? Why should we go out knowing that we may not be able to come back? Here then, is my plan. I will come to this new world, this Earth, and lead us all back to our father. No one will have to worry about being cut off from our Father and Mother. We will ALL be able to return to progress more with our Master who we love so dearly. And as our leader, I will take us into the new age of progression, a new Physical age. Truly, the greatest parent's success is to see their children surpass them, and I will do that." with those last, stirring words, Lucifer stepped back. The undercurrent of discussion that had been softly accompanying Lucifer's speech immediately grew into a flood of discord. Argument and debate over who was correct broke out. But silence was quickly restored as our kind Father stood, and raised his hand.
"My children, my two eldest sons, your older brothers, have presented 2 plans for you to be allowed to come even closer to myself. I do not tell you that you must choose one or the other, for only one will work. This is not simply a trip, a vacation and test that you may be dragged through. You must be able to choose of yourself, to decide through your own actions whether you will return to me. Though it pains me to do this, and i know that some of you will not come home to me, I must send you out with that chance. Jehovah has truly devised a wise plan that allows you to do exactly what you must to prepare for a physical, immortal life." He sat, having given his judgment, and the tidal wave of dissension sprang back up. Lucifer sat, stunned that his Father, his kind, wise Father whom he knew LOVED his children, would allow them to be lost.

I'm not prophet, or a deep thinker. This is just how I see it.

Our bodies are only as old as our birthdays tell us. But our souls, our spirits, had to come from somewhere. We had a lot going on before we came down here to earth, and this is just a small part of what we're going to end up doing. But I want to talk about what happened before we came here. We all were together doing things and learning as a big family for a really long time. We had a father, who we now call God. I'm sure we had a mother. And we had older siblings, and younger siblings. But there were two brothers who were around first, and we loved them. The second oldest was Lucifer. He was amazing, and we looked up to him and he loved his younger siblings and taught us and helped us. And then there was Jehovah. He was the eldest, the first born, and we loved him too. He was amazing. He was kind, and wise, and we all wanted to be just like him someday. Jehovah and Lucifer were great friends as well as brothers, and they both loved helping their family, especially their younger siblings. Eventually, we were all ready for the next big part of our lives, our destinies. And our father took his eldest sons, our big brothers, and told them: "You two are my most trusted sons, the ioldest and wisest of my children. Our family is ready for a new chapter in life, and it's time for my children to move out and get ready to have their own families. But it's going to be hard, and they aren't going to remember this life they have now. So I want you two to come up with a way to help them, because I know you love them, and that you will be able to make sure they have what they need to succeed." So the two brothers went to brainstorm. And as brothers will, soon a small quarrel sprang up.
"Jehovah, I don't like this plan." Lucifer was a little confused. "It's pretty hard. Can't we make it any easier?" Jehovah smiled in that kind understanding, wise sort of way.
"Lucifer, we've got to trust our brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad have taught them a lot. This as much as we can do." Lucifer looked at his brother, and a thread of frustration started to weave itself into his heart.
"Jehovah, this plan makes it so they might not make it where they should be." Jehovah's smile didn't leave. "Jucifer, we have to give them choices. That's part of why they're going." new threads of anger wormed their way into the tapestry weaving in Lucifer's heart.
"Well I think we can make it easier." and with that, he left.

End part one

A complimentary Rant

I'm annoyed. This isn't a poem, so if that's why you read my blog, you can skip this post, because it's a rant (I only say this because I like to pretend there's more than 5 people who know about my blog and more than one person who reads it regularly. If there does happen to be a ghost reader that I don't know about, it'd make my day if you'd give me a shout out...). Anyways, here's what's up. I'm am one of those chosen few people in this world who regularly gives out SINCERE compliments. If I like someone's hair, or clothes, or something they did, I actually tell them. Shocking, I know. But something has happened to our society when it comes to compliments, and it bugs the crap out of me. Nobody seems to be able to accept compliments, at least from me. It seems like whenever I tell someone I like their hair or their work, they have to tell me exactly why I'm wrong. I don't like being wrong, and in my eyes, I wasn't when i gave the compliment, and just because you told me how crappy the hair I thought looked nice is, doesn't mean I don't still think it looks nice, it just means that I'm kind of mad that you called me stupid. I'm not saying that EVERYONE reacts this way, but there seem to be more people who don't want to accept the compliment than people who do. Or, if they don't argue with me, they just say "thanks" in a confused, "how on earth could that guy be so blind as to think I looks nice today..." kind of way. And even if that's not what they intend, that's the message they send. For example, today I told a friend I thought she looked nice today. She wasn't dressed up, in fact she was wearing sweats and a T-shirt. But she looked nice. It's not like she looked like she'd just gotten out of bed, and i liked her hair. But of course, she had to point out the fact that she wasn't wearing fancy clothes and that she'd slept in this morning. So for future reference, if I give a compliment, that's exactly what i meant to give you. So take the warm fuzzy feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction that comes with it and enjoy it. And try to give your own SINCERE compliments more often. Maybe if it becomes a little more common, people as a whole will start believing that we actually mean the compliments we give again.

Averted

I just wrote this. I think I'll read this one at the FLOBOTS concert instead of the other one. I like it better. Please, I still need feed back!

Averted
Can you see?
Did you see the bruises on the woman you passed in the store this morning, gifts from a boyfriend who knocks the life out of her piece by piece with every present he drops?
Can you see?
Did you see the t-shirt prophets, sermonizing on street corners, peddling their powdered salvations, surrounded the empty-shelled mannequins of their caged converts who sold their souls away by the hour?
Can you see?
Did you see the lost souls, the modern nomads whose minds have hidden until they can only rattle around in their skulls like the cans rattling in their bogarted carts?
Can you SEE?
Did you see those kids with their arms and thighs tattooed with permanent train tracks left by their short vacations into control and release, rides on the edge?
Can. you. see?
Did you see those children, with bodies wasting away from their hunger or food almost as much as their souls are wasting away from their hunger for one tiny whisper of affection?
CAN YOU SEE?
Can you see the shadows and ghosts of a consciously ignorant society, a world so eager to label away their problems, to file them into corners and closets, and then leave them, cheerfully choosing to forget, to whitewash over the mold and marks of desperation on the wall left by PEOPLE that were obliterated into echoes and smoke by those with the power to improve but averted their eyes because it was easier?
Can you see?
because let me tell you, as a whole country, as a whole world, we don’t.
We put up our rose colored windows and mask our shame behind what’s "in", and what’s "now". We infuse our ears with iPod anesthetic, hide behind tabloid tablets and pay-per-view pills from the helpless and hopeless, and deem them dirt on the soles of our designer shoes.
Let me tell you,
Averting our eyes doesn’t stop a tidal wave from crashing to shore.
and until we start seeing
we’re blind.
Here's the thing:
Until we start SEEING
we're blind.

News

So the Matthew Shepard symposium is the week after next, and the FLOBOTS are coming down to perform at the university. For those of you who don't know who the FLOBOTS are, here's a link to their myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/flobots They do a lot of social injustice hip hop stuff, and they just got signed by a huge record label, so this could be one of their last performances not dominated by commerciality. Anyway, the high school is sending 3 kids to read an original poem about social injustice and that kind of stuff at the concert. And the the cathedral home is sending a person too. At least, that was the plan. But the cathedral home hasn't gotten back to the teacher in charge yet so she was looking around the student body for a fourth. I happened to have a poem that sort of fit the criteria, so i showed it to her and she picked me for the place filler. It's pretty awesome, but my poem definitely is not among my best work. So I'm going to improve it until I actually have to read it. it's posted on here, but I'm reposting it on this one, edited and improved. Any feedback and critique would be greatly appreciated. I hate the title, so any suggestions there would be great too. Thanks!

Ear Unplugs

Let thunder roar
let lightning flash
if you think you see
it's just the mask
don't get too close
you might get burned
just hide within
the lies you've learned
stay safe within illusion’s sphere
ignore the painful
truths you hear

we shelter in
the social norm
and mold ourselves
to popular form
we plug our ears
and hide our eyes
with wax made from
acceptable lies

though truth can hurt,
while it can scare
you know it's best,
though it can tear
to see the truth
within your soul
can shred your heart
or leave you whole

accept what's there
or make a change
it's up to you
how life's arranged
but only when
you know what's true
can you be free
to love what's you

so ditch the cowards
leave the mask
conforming throng
the hiding mass
rip out the ear plugs
and pull off the blinds
and you’ll be surprised
what you happen to find

though there might be pain
both in flesh and in heart
there’s the promise of better
just waiting to start
accept yourself
and be what's right
acceptance only in your sight
is something for which
all must fight

it's hard for anyone to be
the them they want the world to see
but if the masks and lies were gone
Maybe we could be free to see a new dawn

OW!

I let go
finally able to unclench my fingers
out of the death grip with which I was
desperately clinging to that last,
impossibly thin thread
of hope.
and now I fall, fall, fall,
and I hurt so bad
that I don't even get to enjoy
the thrill and rush
I can't even notice the wind
whistling, screaming in my ears.
I hurt so bad that
when I hit the ground
and shattered, I barely noticed
because I was already
so broken when I let go.
What's a little more pain?
So here I am,
laying in a pile of debris,
a scattered collection
of shattered me.
hurting. a lot.
but at least now
I'm actually broken.
and since I'm finally broken
I can start putting my pieces
back together.
No more
waiting to be broken.
I'm there.
Thanks.